Fear and Gratitude

I don’t need to explain what’s going on - you already know.

March ended with fear - fear of the unseen, fear of each other, fear of the new normal, fear of making ends meet, fear of losing loved ones, fear of being the cause for their loss, fear of losing ourselves.

I’ve spent hours every day thinking about my own mortality and facing the reality of dying alone, again.

It’s terrified me. It brought back my biggest fear.

But it’s also reminded me of what I learned the first time I died - that in these moments I am alive I have to express myself, to show others what I really feel, to ensure that when my time comes I can go out honestly and openly and without regret.

When I died alone the first time, I was overwhelmed with shame and regret for not telling people how much I cared and not showing them how much I appreciated their love and efforts.

I was immersed in the pain of unfulfilled promises to myself - I wanted to write, I wanted to tell stories, and I wanted to do good - but I had wasted my days thinking there’d be a time later for all of that.

Then my time ran out, and everything went unwritten and unsaid.

In the 8 years since then I’ve struggled to find my voice and redefine who I am. I’ve consciously reminded myself to tell people what I feel, in case I don’t get the chance to later. I’ve worked through the fear, conquered it, and felt it seep back in slowly until the waves started crashing in my consciousness once again this March.

Now, in these hours that feel like days and days that feel like years, as I feel death coming close again and the knots tighten in my throat, I remind myself to be grateful for the time that comes before the end.

I’m grateful for this time every day to speak to my loved ones and write my own story. I’m grateful for the life I have, the people I know, and the experiences that have shaped me.

I’m grateful to have the chance to express myself and, through my work, help others with the power of my words.

Every day is a mingling of fear and gratitude.

When we learn to channel these feelings into our daily lives, nothing can be more powerful.

We will never be invincible. We will never be truly safe from illness and death. It’s time we learned to embrace that and use today as all we’ll ever have. Mortality is the most powerful motivator we’ve got.